​​Some days I wish my dad would start calling about my grandparents dying instead of their grandkids. It’s been a trend in our family since his brother the year I was born. Only two years since the last one, and that was the last time we were all together. I don’t think his sisters can take any more. And it’s a shame, you both went the same way when you could’ve stayed.

Conny Franko: [I'm unwell without you, life without you is life without the proof.
Fountain of youth dried out, soon as I found the life that was without blue.]

I worry about my brothers. When I call they say they’re fine. I don’t call often enough, but who can find the time? I am learning that time is not found, it is made. I should start making time to call them back before it’s too late. Because if this runs in the men in my family, well they are men in my family. And if the men in my family are doomed, then what does that make me?

But I keep on surviving. No matter how bad life gets, it’s not nothing and that’s something to live for, I guess. On my good days, I let myself hope. Sometimes I even feel happy in moments. And on my best days, I remember to slow down and notice them.

That sickness is in me too, and I know my mom can see it. It must be hard to have parts of your body walking around in this big bad world. I wish that I could tell her that I’m fine, and not to worry so much. But I know she always will, no matter what. How could she not?

But I keep on surviving. No matter how bad life gets, it’s not nothing and that’s all that’s after this. I know you hate when I say that, but some days it’s all that keeps me going is knowing that this is all we get.

And on my bad days I know my mom is out there somewhere praying for me to her god, even though she knows I don’t believe. And sometimes I pray for her back, because I think she would like that. And honestly? It’s kind of comforting.

Conny Franko: [I'm unwell without you, life without you is life without the proof.
Fountain of youth dried out, soon as I found the life that was without blue.]

(If I go too soon there are people I know will miss me, even when it’s hard to see that in my head.)

And on your bad days I hope you feel safe. I hope you believe that we love you despite all the bugs in your brain telling you it’d be easier to leave. I can’t promise that things will get better, but I promise you will laugh and I will laugh. And you might smile at a stranger, and they might smile back, and you will never know how much they needed that.

If I could go in your place then I would but you’re gone and I can’t so I guess I’ll stay. Keep trying everything I can to make everything okay. And on our good days we’ll share the same hopes. We will look forward to happier moments. And on our best days, we’ll remember to slow down and notice them.